If you catch her on a good day like today she’s a normal woman, a kind woman even. But a garrulous one all the same. Today she’s going on about how she will happily die in the market from corona. How no one, not even the police with their blazing guns can get her to stay home. She only stays home in the company of chang’aa, but seeing as even dens have closed, she can’t be found in her home past nine am. In the market she cooks stew and brown ugali for people, those layabouts who believe that stew is the magic to physical strength. (But of course it can’t rival mkombero.) And I’m not talking normal beans or whatever stew, I’m talking cow head stew, leg stew and cuddled blood stew. Ah, reminds me about my grandmother, she’d make us choose between having leg stew or mala for supper,she was smart, but we beat her at it. Anyway, since in the village people can’t seem to shut their mouths and are always constantly yapping, Mr. so and so looks up when he sees her passing 

“Eh! Mayi, hocha wae siphuyi sino?” 

Loose translation: “Ah! Mom, where are you going this early in the morning?” 

“Yaani senyala narura nakendakho ta? Eh? Lazima mbime syakhulya!!” 

I cannot keep translating for you people! I keep telling you to have friends like me and you thought it’s show off? Go figure. 

” Good for you, you have sacks of maize falling on eachother. You even have three wives whom you’ll be taking turns nuzzling their breasts!” I am laughing my head off so hard that I forget that I’m eavesdropping. 

But in all honesty I want to buy her a jug of the illicit brew. Because I miss her brutal honesty. She never minces words and they come out like daggers, like hot coal. It is then when she opens up her heart and talks about all that has been bothering her. She will rouse you from your sleep in the dead of the night with her taunting shouts of 

” Eeh, blood is a scam. Relations is a scam! Today I want to announce to all and sundry that my dear daughter-in-law is a thief! You have been wondering why things just vanish, eh? It’s her, she’s the one who stole Wekhomba’s chicken. She sold it off so she can buy that wanja and handbag. And she prances around clutching it as if she fell from her mother’s womb and landed on the feet. That little ungrateful thing. She thinks she’s beautiful when all she’s got is a brown bony face and a barely there behind that she keeps shaking hoping to be noticed. Ah, woman! If i can’t notice or praise it, then no man will! Sit it down, I always wonder what it is my son saw in you? And I bet he would have remarried by now were it not for those concoctions that you sneak in his food, you think I don’t know? I know!! Yes I know, and I know that you hide them in your breasts, maybe even in your bloomers!! “

It’s always hard going back to sleep after her tirades. And mostly we gather in the sitting room to just dissect all the talk that goes round.

But today is not that day I give you one of those juicy stories. 

Recently, following the lockdown people have found ways to keep themselves busy. Or distracted, and someone brilliant came up with this App;Kubool. If you own an android phone like me then you must know how it works. Once you’ve created a profile, it allows you to send and receive anonymous messages. At first we were excited, thinking of how lovely and intriguing it would be to receive anonymous messages. Most of us will admit that we expected positives; love letters, messages of admiration, thank you notes only to be dealt with tough revelations, dark confessions and the bitter pill that’s truth. No one has committed suicide yet or come out to talk about how they are now battling depression. Suffice is to say that the downside of anonymous messages has overshadowed the upside of it. 

Unlike on Kubool, I’m supposed to be writing letters to people. Five people. I’m to tell them things; happy things, sad things or whatever it is that I feel they need to know. And I’m realising just now that I may never know how it feels to write while drunk. They say if you seek truth, find it in those that are under the influence. And so I am saving these messages for then. And I promise to have them for you here, so we can later gather around in my comment section and dissect them.And no, this is not me evading the topic, I will be back with this later, bye for now. 

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